25 Nov 2017

You Go First (fiction)

or, "The Time Rachel Really Needed To Poo"

by Simon Bee

With sincerest apologies to Rachel Bloom

The elevator stopped with a thud. The lights dimmed, and there was a complete silence. I took my phone out of my pocket to find out for the possible reason, and saw a woman in front of me doing frantically the same. After a few moments it turned out to be pointless though. No connection available, which meant that whatever had caused the blackout was big.

I put my phone back to my trouser pocket and saw the woman stuffing hers into her handbag, and letting out a long, heavy, frustrated sigh. I knew who she was. Immediately after stepping into the elevator less than a minute earlier I had realized who I was there with.

I have always taken pride for the fact I am have manners despite being a fan. I am not a stalker. I know celebrities are human beings and they don't want people to stop them on the street like they were public property. I had promised myself I would perhaps smile at her once, and that would be it.

It would be a story enough to tell folks back home. I wouldn't care whether they would believe me or not. I wasn't going to ask for a selfie with her. But here I was. Stuck in an elevator with Rachel Bloom. Star and producer of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

We stood there in silence. I put my hands to my trouser pockets and tried to look as nonchalant and at the same time as non-threatening as possible. I smiled at her. "Excuse me, but you're Rachel Bloom, aren't you?"

She looked at me in the dimmed lights of the elevator. Her eyes were blank. There was no surprise there, no anger, but not a sign she was happy to be recognized either. "Well, yes", she said after couple of moments. I introduced myself, but then there was silence again.

The atmosphere became awkward. We both looked at the floor and the walls, anything but each other. I got a feeling we both even tried to breathe as silently as possible, in order not to signal the other person we weren't present.

After a time that seemed like an eternity had passed I sighed, gave up, put my shoulder bag down and sat on floor. Then I looked up. She was looking at me with the same business-like, blank look in her eyes.

"This could take same time", I said. Letting out a long sigh she lifted the handbag on her shoulder like it had been a shield, and sat to the opposite corner, as far away from me as possible. Uneasy silence continued.

After another eternity had passed I decided I would have to risk it. What would I have to lose, after all? Other than feeling the biggest jerk in the world, and blaming myself for years to come for making myself a fool in front of my idol, of course. But most likely I would do it anyway if I missed this opportunity to talk to the person I had admired for years.  

I cleared my throat. "I would be Hufflepuff, you know?", I said to her. She looked at me, eyes widened and looking irritated. "What?" she said finally. Her tone was sharp, and demanding.

"The scene in your series", I said and tried to smile reassuringly and waved about with my hand. "You know. Rebecca and her boss stuck in the elevator. This is the same exact situation."

She looked at me, now a bit alarmed, and I realized I may have gone too far. God, I didn't want her to think I was hitting on her, or worse.

"I mean...", I stammered and tried talk fast. "It was a nice scene. And a great way to add a touch of humanity to the character of your boss. Anyone who has read all the Potters can't be all bad, and so on."

She looked at me, and for the first time smiled a bit. "So, you're a fan?"

"Yours or J.K. Rowling's?" I said and smiled back at her. "Both. I've been your fan ever since the Bradbury song. It's on the party list on the every geek party I arrange. And I do love your show. You're such a talented performer, and your show is so exceptional, and unique."

"Well, thank you", she said and seemed to ease a bit. She put her handbag to the floor beside her and didn't look so tense anymore.

I continued and explained to her I used to watch her series with my girlfriend, and how it used to be "our thing". Since the show didn't air at the time where I live in, it was something I was able to introduce to my girlfriend. "That sounds romantic", she said.

"Well, truth to tell, your series was my last, best hope to save our relationship" I said and saw her looking at me with a curious look in her eyes. "Really?"

"Well", I said. "We had problems finding stuff to watch we'd both like. We had an age difference that made things difficult. I knew she liked musicals, modern ones, like Glee. I like older sci-fi and had tried to educate her on that, with varying success."

"Old as in..." she asked, looking genuinely curious. "Well, 1980's and so on", I said, and shrugged. I saw her eyes widen. "That's not old!" she said, looking astonished, and I shrugged again. "Well, to her it was."

There was a moment of silence again. "Well, did it work?" she asked finally. "Was my series enough to save your relationship?"

"For a while, it was", I said. "We watched the first season, and we both liked it. But ultimately... well, it was doomed attempt. Finally we broke up."

"I'm sorry to hear that. What was the problem? Besides the age difference, that is. If you don't mind me asking?"

I looked at her and searched for words. "Well, she realized she actually didn't like boys", I said finally. There was a moment's of silence. Then she nodded. "Well, that would do it", she said after a while.

I sighed and looked at the floor before me. "No matter what I did, she just retreated. I would have done anything for her, but growing a vagina was beyond my capabilities."

She looked at me, with pity in her eyes. "But couldn't you guys...", she said. "Well, there are open relationships and so on these days."

"I know, and I suggested her that", I said and shook my head. "I would have done anything for us to stay together."

"But it was... she wanted to have this... whole new queer life. So I wasn't just fighting with just one person, or one thing you could fix by talking. I was fighting with a whole lifestyle. She wanted something that me being in the picture didn't fit with. No matter how I loved her."

"Poor thing", she said, and I saw real compassion in her eyes. "But I suppose some things are just not meant to happen."

"Yeah, I understand that now", I said and glanced at her. "But as you may believe, it took me some time to be able to watch the second season of your series. I feared it would be too much, and I would just end up crying."

"Did you?", she asked. "Cry, I mean." I looked at her and nodded. She looked back at me sympathetically. "I'm sorry."

I let out a bitter chuckle. "I kept turning on the sofa and wanting to comment on some plot development to her. Or some particularly good song." I looked at her and part of me had trouble accepting who I was actually describing it all.

"You, know, for example like when the Greg almost starts the "Whoopity-fucking-doo" song again, which was brilliant. Each time I turned and opened my mouth... but then I realized she wasn't there anymore."

"Christ..." she said and shook her head. "That must have been awful." I shrugged. "Well, I got through. As I was watching the second season I also started noticing something rather disturbing."


"Well, the thing is. I still have to see my... well, ex-girlfriend weekly, pardon the irony. I have to work beside her basically, it would be along story to explain why. And as you may guess, people being a couple turning into mere colleagues again... well, it doesn't always work."

"You can say that again."

"Well, at some point I realized there are way too much similarities between my own life, and Rebecca's. My life is a mess, basically, and even though she dumped me I still have to see her, week in, and week out, just like people in your series. And me and my ex, we're handling our break-up as well as people in your series do, which is not that great, you know?"

Rachel smiled. "I don't know whether I should laugh to that or no." I shrugged and watched up, to the ceiling of the elevator.

"I remember it so well", I said. "After I made that realization I paused the episode, walked to kitchen and then, very theatrically banged my head three times on the fridge door, lightly but still. It's something no one does, you know, not in real life, only in television. But I had just realized I'm the... fucking Rebecca Bunch of my own life."

She looked at me, and shook her head. "Now I really don't know what to say."

"But I really liked it", I said. "The second season I mean. The way you got deeper into Rebecca's personality, to the actual reason for the problems she has. It's brilliant storytelling, really."

"Well, on behalf of all the writers, thank you."

"Just telling you how it is", I said. "Even though I must say I was a little... uncertain whether I should continue watching it after the season finale. I mean the whole "destroy Josh Chan" thing."

"Well, did you?" she said and looked at me, suddenly giving out an impression of a producer, not a woman I was telling my life story to.

"I did, and I'm glad I did. The third season has been the best so far, in terms of storytelling. Even though I was a bit surprised with the Rebecca's... well, "great master plan" in the couple of the first episodes. In fact I think there would be several men in the world who would have been thrilled to receive a shipment of "special muffins" from Rachel Bloom. I even made a Tweet about it."

She looked at me eyes wide.

"That was you?" she said after a few moments had passed.

Now it was my turn to be astonished. "Y-you read it?" I stammered. "I mean... you remember it?"

"Yes, I did, of course I did", she sighed. "It was on Twitter, after all, hashtag my series."

I looked at her, still uncertain whether she was furious at me or not. "You didn't like it on Twitter", I said. "I mean, I was literally climbing on walls the next day whether you would reply to it."

She lifted her hands towards the ceiling. "Well, I very well couldn't shout to the world: "Yes! Rachel Bloom, the producer of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend would love if men all over the world ate her poo for real!"

I let out a chuckle. "I suppose you're right. I did think that may have been the case."

I looked at her again and decided to risk it. "But like I said, there are lots of people on the world who would have liked it. They would have find it simply poopdelicious. Or would it be crapsumptious?"

She looked at me, with an expression that was an mixture of being annoyed, puzzled and astonished. Finally a smile crept on her face and she chuckled. "God, I can't believe I laughed to that."

"But I was able to made you laugh" I said smiling. I knew I was smiling too much, and most likely looked like an idiot, or a fan with a star crush, but I didn't care. "Too bad you couldn't use that on the show."

She chuckled again. "Such a shame", she said smirking, and suddenly grimaced. "Hey, don't take this wrong, but could we please talk about something else?" I looked at her puzzled. She appeared distressed, somehow. "I'm sorry", I said. "Is something wrong?"

She sighed. "Well, as it happens to be I was on my way to the ladies room when I got into this elevator. I was about to use one on this floor but I forgot and then I thought I could use the one in the lobby. And now..."

"Oh dear", I said. "There's no way telling how much we may have to be here."

"Don't you think I know it?" she said, sounding annoyed. "So, if you're not going to volunteer to eat my poo, could we please change the subject?"

I was silent for a moment. "What I did?" I said after a while.

"What?" she looked at me, looking more and more distressed, clearly not understanding what I had meant. I looked her straight into the eyes. "What if I did volunteer eating your poo, Ms. Bloom? Would you allow it?"

She looked at me, her mouth open and eyes widened. She couldn't get a word out of her mouth. "God, you cannot be serious", she finally sighed and looked again at the ceiling of the elevator.

"I have never been more serious in my life, Ms. Bloom" I said in a calm tone, almost whispering. I looked at her staring at the ceiling and she shook her head. "That's completely... I mean, I..."

"Please, Ms. Bloom", I continued. "It would be such an honour for me. I think we both know why." She began to stammer. "Yes, I do, I mean... But really..."

It took several minutes to talk her into it. She wouldn't look me into the face the whole time and kept staring at everywhere else but my face. More than anything I dreaded the elevator would start moving again and she would ran out, and most likely get a restraining order against me.

At first she was adamant, but bit by bit I saw her giving in. More than my abilities in persuasion, I think the reason was her own body. It seemed her tummy movements were becoming more and more unpleasant.

"Ms. Bloom" I said finally, and saw her glancing at me. I looked at her with my big round puppy-dog eyes, and felt I was giving a killing blow to her resistance. "Puh-leeze...?"

"Oh, fuck", she said and shook her head. "I don't believe I am doing this. But let's get it over with. My ass is about to burst."

I lay down on the floor and saw her getting up, and starting to fumble with her skirt. She glanced me with apprehension. "Close your eyes. I am not going to flash you, no matter if you are going to..." Her sentence died out. "Well you know."

I closed my eyes, heard the sound of her zipper, and then it dropping to the floor. A few moments later I heard as well as felt her getting on all fours on the floor, above me. "Okay, I'm ready", I heard her say.

"May I open my eyes?" I asked. I heard her sigh. "Do you have to?" I cleared my throat. "I'm afraid I do. Otherwise... well, otherwise you will be shitting all over the place." There was another deep sigh. "Oh, jeez" I heard her say finally. "In that case you may."

I opened my eyes. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight.

Now, Rachel Bloom is not what you could call a model figure, in terms of her body type. She is a beautiful woman with a natural body. Her series has blatantly made use of her ample bosom, and she has even said in an interview she is proud of her boobs. And her big, heavy boobs are really something to look at.

But the series had, for the most part, hid what her backside looked like. There is one episode, however, in which she was wearing a green jumpsuit, which made clear her ass must be as ample as her bosom.

As I looked it now my jaw dropped. For a moment I forgot to breathe. The white, pale, smooth and flawless ass looked enormous as it filled my field of vision. It looked even more beautiful, more huge than I ever could have imagined. I had to fight my urge to immediately bury my face in it, because it looked so soft, so inviting.

I could have gazed it forever, but then her voice snapped me out of my trance. "Okay, what do we do now?"

I cleared my throat that felt dry as a desert. "Well, I have to take hold of your... uh, waist", I said and felt my heart racing. "To, you know, guide you to right place before... you know. May I?" I heard her complying and placed the palms gently on her waist. He skin felt soft, smooth and warm. I felt my hands shaking a bit, and my heart started to race.

After I had gotten her magnificent ass above me, and her asshole in a such position I knew I could reach my mouth with, I altered my grip a bit. I moved my hands lower and pulled her ample ass cheeks apart. I heard her gasp, but she didn't utter a word.

"Now, Ms. Bloom", I said, trying to keep my tone calm, because I was looking straight at the exposed brownish asshole before my eyes. "I would like you to start pushing."

I heard her mutter something to herself, apparently still not believing what she was about to do, and let out a labored, soft grunt. She was beginning, I realized, and my heart started to race faster and faster. She was actually beginning to shit into my mouth.

She had to work for it for quite some time but finally I saw the head of a small glistening turd push itself through her anus. I lifted my head immediately and placed my mouth in front of her offering. I could sense it's overpowering smell, and a part of would have wanted to back out.

However, I forced myself to stay in place. We were already too far. I had begged Ms. Bloom to take a shit in my mouth, and she would do it now.

To make it harder for me to back off I leaned in even more. Keeping my mouth as wide as possible I pushed it as forward as possible, around her anus. I felt something touch my tongue, and smelled the awful stench, the smell of shit.

I was going to eat shit, I told to myself. And not just anyone's shit. I was going to eat Rachel Bloom's shit.

I heard her grunting and sighing, as she kept pushing the turd out. Then there was a break and I felt the turd dropping into my eager mouth. I started chewing on it fast. However, I had barely begun as I saw the head of another appearing to her anus. I gripped between her ass cheeks and let out a muffled grunt.

I heard her let out a chuckle. "Sorry. I wasn't thinking." I still couldn't answer to her, so I merely gave her backside a reassuring grip. Still, I tried to swallow the shit as fast as I could. "That's okay", I said as I had gotten it down. "Please continue."

"You're really grateful I do this?" I heard her say. "You're really grateful to be allowed to... fuck, eat my shit?" I nodded, and swallowed one more time. "Yes, I am. This is such a privilege and an honor for me." I heard her sigh. "God, you're sick. Is this the reason your girlfriend left you? Did you made her to shit into your mouth, too?"

I was silent for a moment. "No", I said then. "No, I didn't. This is my first time, Ms. Bloom."

There was silence again. "Really?" she said. "Wow. I mean I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." I would have wanted to hug her, and reassure everything was okay. But instead I was holding her massive ass in my hands and looking at her asshole, with the taste of her shit in my mouth.

"It's okay", I said. "You couldn't have known. You're my first. But now... could you please continue?" I heard her sigh. "Okay, little freak. If you really like it, here it comes. Eat my shit." I spread her ass cheeks a bit more, leaned forward and heard her to start sighing and grunting again.

All in all Ms. Bloom crapped three big turds into my mouth, and one smaller one. When I was sure there wouldn't be any more I spread her ass cheeks as wide as possible and pushed my face to her ass. Then, after swallowing one more time I darted my tongue deep into her anus and started licked away all the remaining shit.

I was rewarded with series of low moans. "Oh, ohhh..." I heard her sigh like a woman who has never had her asshole rimmed. I tried not to get too carried away, however, and finished my job as efficiently as possible. I let go and she stood up.

I lowered my head to the floor and stared at the dim emergency lights in the ceiling. I had done it. I had actually done it. I had eaten Rachel Bloom's poo. I knew I couldn't ever tell about it to anyone, but I didn't mind. I was so happy. 

I noticed she was pulling up her skirt and zipping it frantically. Then she looked at me and put a hand on her mouth.

"Oh, god", she said and took out tissues out of her hand bag. offering them to me. "Please wipe your face. You look and smell disgusting. I'm sorry, but you do." I cleaned myself as well as I could. She looked at me looking still a bit nervous, and a moment later gave me a water bottle.

"Please rinse your mouth", she said. "I don't want anyone to get any ideas."

"Thank you" I said, and rinsed my mouth as well as I could. I stood up and gave the bottle back to her. "Thank you", I said again, and saw her looking back at me. I could see in her eyes she had understood what I had meant. I smiled at her like an idiot.

She looked away and I could see she would have wanted to sink below the ground. She put her hands on the both sides of her head. "Oh, god. What did I just do?" she said with desperation in her voice. "Oh christ, what just happened? Is this even real?"

I looked at her and would have liked to be able to say something to console her, but couldn't find the words. I also feared anything I had said would just make the situation worse. Suddenly the elevator's lights came back on, and with a jolt it started to move again.

I would have to say something now, I realized. Now, or never, because after a few short moments the elevator doors would open, and the magic moment would be over. We would go our ways, and she would disappear from my life forever. Then something occurred to me.

"Well, you know what they say, if it was fiction it had to make sense", I said and smiled. "Real life is not some carefully crafted story. If you read a piece of fiction that was like real life, you'd be like, what the hell was that story about? It was really all over the place."


1 comment:

  1. I loved it. Always dreamed of getting stuck in an elevator with a Dominant Woman who after a while demanded and forced me to the floor and sat on my mouth and pissed and shitted not caring what she was doing.